Tell Us Your Jokes

Tell us your jokes

Saying The Right Thing
Jack wakes up with a huge
hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not
normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He
didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was
feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

---

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a
note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian"

---

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??"

---

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm
married!!"

---

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins:
$.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

lol

A lecturer teaching
medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar
of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine.
To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight,
and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it
into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust.
But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one
by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into
their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.
"If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed
that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into
my mouth."

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriott Hotel with Michael, one of my students[color=navy]. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:[/font][/size][/font]

“18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.”






Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

An Ex Girlfriend Called

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous
ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if
I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic
times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested
in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I
said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than
when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy
I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise
to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a guy
with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!
Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything
is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing
jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She
teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men
were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds
myself!"


So I told her to get lost.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Here's a funny one for you all:

Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated; they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ...... 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

Are you ready? This is a beauty...



My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

Those are all good. I like the Blonde's Year Review ahaha

haha yea, thats a good one isnt it

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.

Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

LOL

ScruB.x3 wrote:

LOL

yea i liked that one alot.

I got 1 question before i post.
Do these gotta be clean jokes or can they be a little naughty adult jokes and so on.......?
Didnt wanna post an adult joke and get in trouble, .
LMK

Go for it

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.


The Bike
A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."

LMAO

LMAO AHAHAHAHA

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "Potentiaity"
and "reality"?" Dad: "I will show you" Dad turns to his wife and asks her:
"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"? Wife: "Yes of
course! I would never waste such an opportunity"! Then Dad asks his
daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!" So Dad turns to his elder son and
asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"? Elder
Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would
never hesitate!" So the father turns back to his younger son saying:" You
see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality"
We are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!!

xsxracing wrote:

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "Potentiaity"
and "reality"?" Dad: "I will show you" Dad turns to his wife and asks her:
"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"? Wife: "Yes of
course! I would never waste such an opportunity"! Then Dad asks his
daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!" So Dad turns to his elder son and
asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"? Elder
Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would
never hesitate!" So the father turns back to his younger son saying:" You
see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality"
We are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!!

lol

You guys want me to keep theme coming? .

Here is a nother one.



20 Year's With My Wife
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

lmao

Ok,Here are 2 more .

By The Inch!
Rich, Eddie and Michael decided to visit a prostitute.

It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."

When Rich comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"

"$75 dollars." said Rich with a wink and a smile.

Eddie goes in and returns with a fee of $85, and several "high fives." The first two were proud of their prowess.

Michael goes in and returns. "How much did she charge you?" asks Rich.

"$20 dollars," replies Michael.

Both Rich and Eddie started laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys," replied Michael, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!"



Here is the 2nd one



Bullets...........
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Ok,I got 2 more good one's but they are very X RATED!

Those are geart! Haha,. PM them to me XSX

ScruB.x3 wrote:

Those are geart! Haha,. PM them to me XSX

Before i post theme?????